I don’t seem to know why, but your passing is heavily weighing on my mind tonight. I suppose I haven’t really had the courage to face reality yet. Here’s my attempt to find solace in writing.
You may not be my own grandfather, but I still hold you near and dear to my heart. I haven’t been fully able to grasp the fact that you are no longer with us in the physical state of life. I do, however, find comfort in knowing that you are no longer suffering; that you’re in a better place now.
In the past five years that I’ve known you, I’ve learned that you have touched the lives of many people. Your determination to revive the Natatorium is truly inspirational. I know, without a doubt, your legacy will live on. Your genuine caring and nurturing characteristics carried on into your every day life in which your were deeply concerned about those you were close to and those who were mere strangers to you.
Take me, for example. Who am I to you, anyways? I’m just Josh’s girlfriend—your son’s wife’s son. You didn’t have to know me. You didn’t have to care. We could have been mere acquaintances from day one. But no, you made it a point to greet me EVERY TIME you saw me, with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Every time, it was always a, “Hi. Hi, Carol. How are you?” with great, genuine concern. Not the type of “how are you” that results simply due to muscle memory. You actually cared. I always asked you how you were in return and you always humbly replied, “I’m okay.” and carried on asking me about school, encouraging me, no matter how silly my majors were or how many times I’ve switched them. You made sure I persevered, and I will, just like you. You drove yourself to these parties every single time, whether you felt weak or tired, you were determined to see everyone, even for five minutes. Despite your condition, you remained strong. You fought your battles til the very end and I have the utmost respect and admiration towards you. I am blessed to have known such an amazing individual.
This past weekend, I spent time with the family. We saw everyone from Kauai, Hawaii Kai, Aina Haina, everyone, but something was missing. You weren’t there physically to greet me with that same warm hug and kiss and that “Hi. Hi, Carol.” No one was there to whip out his camera and snap pictures of everyone; I had no one to take pictures of my funny faces! You may have left an empty seat at the dinner tables, Papa, but we know you’ve filled a seat up there in Heaven, greeting your friends with your warm hugs and hellos. Oh, how I miss them already. We miss you, Papa. Until we meet again. <3
Finding another million and one reasons to be butt hurt over you. I still don’t get why you’ve decided to chuck away everything we’ve ever been to each other. I could never forget who you were to me. I don’t want to. And the worst part is that you were the one who was so adamant about maintaining a friendship with me. Now, all of a sudden, I’m no one? I never existed? And when I try to reach out, you totally shut me down. I just don’t understand what I did to deserve so much hostility. It’s a never-ending mystery with you. Then I realize that I found happiness without you and all is well in the world again.
The thought of you with her. I’ve become an expert at making it seem like I’ve moved past it because most days, I have. But for those days that I dwell over it, I am defeated. I’m in a constant competition with her ghost and because of this, I can never win. How do you win a fight with a ghost, a memory? For years now, I’ve been feeling inadequate. And I do this to myself. It almost doesn’t even matter that you picked me over her; I can’t seem to come to terms with it regardless. My own thoughts drive me insane. I’m unhappy with myself when I’m with you because I feel like you missed out because I was selfish. I made you come back to me because it was the moral thing to do. When in reality, maybe it was all meant to play out a different way.. but you have too much of a good heart, a good soul to live with the guilty conscience of breaking a girl’s heart. Honestly, looking back, I don’t think you had any malicious intent at the time, your heart simply fell for another. I shouldn’t have done what I did today and reflect upon our past, but at the same time, we can’t ignore it and pretend like nothing happened, like nothing ever broke us because it did. It made me the person I am and the person you are today. I’m torn because I love you and I want you happy, but from what I see, you two are made to be together. As much as I resent her, I can’t deny it. Maybe that’s why I hate her; I envy the person that she is and how she is so like you and the fact that I have to keep you away from her for fear that you will fall for her again. Part of me wishes I could be her for you and it hurts me to even admit that.
I don’t know what it’ll take for me to come to terms with something that happened years ago, but a person just can’t live with certain things, certain thoughts. I am not confident in who I am with you. I believe you deserve someone who can give you more happiness than I can, who has the same interests as you.. and that person is her. Or maybe, in a turn of events, this will bring us closer and I can regain confidence in who I am with you and who I am to you. I can’t say I want to let you go, because I’m afraid if I do, I’ll lose you for good and I’ll be missing out on someone great, but I have to be selfless, for my own sanity and for your sake, too. It isn’t fair to you to have someone constantly beating their self up, bringing negativity into the relationship, and not having faith in us because of the way I feel about myself. Truth is, it isn’t you, it’s me. As cliche as it is, it’s nothing but true.
I’m sorry I love you.
I LUV YEW RIRI