The thought of you with her. I’ve become an expert at making it seem like I’ve moved past it because most days, I have. But for those days that I dwell over it, I am defeated. I’m in a constant competition with her ghost and because of this, I can never win. How do you win a fight with a ghost, a memory? For years now, I’ve been feeling inadequate. And I do this to myself. It almost doesn’t even matter that you picked me over her; I can’t seem to come to terms with it regardless. My own thoughts drive me insane. I’m unhappy with myself when I’m with you because I feel like you missed out because I was selfish. I made you come back to me because it was the moral thing to do. When in reality, maybe it was all meant to play out a different way.. but you have too much of a good heart, a good soul to live with the guilty conscience of breaking a girl’s heart. Honestly, looking back, I don’t think you had any malicious intent at the time, your heart simply fell for another. I shouldn’t have done what I did today and reflect upon our past, but at the same time, we can’t ignore it and pretend like nothing happened, like nothing ever broke us because it did. It made me the person I am and the person you are today. I’m torn because I love you and I want you happy, but from what I see, you two are made to be together. As much as I resent her, I can’t deny it. Maybe that’s why I hate her; I envy the person that she is and how she is so like you and the fact that I have to keep you away from her for fear that you will fall for her again. Part of me wishes I could be her for you and it hurts me to even admit that.
I don’t know what it’ll take for me to come to terms with something that happened years ago, but a person just can’t live with certain things, certain thoughts. I am not confident in who I am with you. I believe you deserve someone who can give you more happiness than I can, who has the same interests as you.. and that person is her. Or maybe, in a turn of events, this will bring us closer and I can regain confidence in who I am with you and who I am to you. I can’t say I want to let you go, because I’m afraid if I do, I’ll lose you for good and I’ll be missing out on someone great, but I have to be selfless, for my own sanity and for your sake, too. It isn’t fair to you to have someone constantly beating their self up, bringing negativity into the relationship, and not having faith in us because of the way I feel about myself. Truth is, it isn’t you, it’s me. As cliche as it is, it’s nothing but true.
I’m sorry I love you.
I LUV YEW RIRI